As I have written about breaking mind control programming in the past few weeks, I have found that even more of my programming has broken down. I hope to describe this experience to you here without becoming overly personal or emotional. I write both to help myself and anyone else who happens upon this who finds it useful. While this post will be informational, it will probably be more on the self-indulgent side, so I hope you will excuse me for that.
I first experienced a crack in my mental programming surrounding sexuality and male-female relationships a couple of years ago. The catalysts for this experience were as follows:
The writings of an amazing mind at a blog called, Radical Wind, in particular a series of blogposts beginning with this one: https://witchwind.wordpress.com/2013/05/08/the-butterflies-or-unpeeling-the-politics-of-love-part-i/ In this series of posts she says that female sexual attraction to males is “manufactured.” That word, “manufactured,” really stuck in my head and I started using that phrase in some of my writing and I was amazed when she sort of called me out on using her phraseology at my old private blog. I didn’t mean to steal, it’s just that this phraseology got into my head and I began to think of it as my own idea because I recognized it as the truth. It was certainly true in my case, anyway. I was, also, thrilled to discover that she was reading my writing.
At that time, I had been reading some other bloggers, including TrustYourPerceptions. This blogger is apparently a biologist and has done some excellent blog series in the past about the nature of the Y chromosome. Several days ago, she published a whole new series, which I spent an entire night reading and which I plan to comment on in detail soon. It’s a small marathon. You’ll find the beginning of it here: https://trustyourperceptions.wordpress.com/2016/05/07/semen-mens-chemical-war-against-women-no-skip-intro/
Then, someone somewhere recommended the book, “Loving to Survive: Sexual Terror, Men’s Violence, and Women’s Lives,” by Dee Graham, Roberta Rigsby, Edna Rawlings.
You have immediate access to these works by clicking the links in the above paragraphs. If you start finding yourself, and your own life experiences in them, hold on to your seat. It can be a wild ride, but one that is well worth it.
I have experienced different sensations and even imagery in my deprogramming. The first time I broke major programming (Mormon programming when I was very young), I actually saw a wall break and crash down like a pane of glass in my mind. For weeks afterwards, I experienced the sensation of not being able to feel the earth under my feet or the feeling that the ground was moving or shifting. Since those early times, I’ve had some similar sensations when I run across historical information, for instance, that really rocks my world view – it literally makes me feel like I can’t find the floor beneath my feet for a couple of days. I’ve come to enjoy that sensation – to really welcome it.
But, when I first ran across this information about sexual mind control programming – that’s what I’m calling it, anyway – it was a little bit different. It has sunk in by degrees, but I would describe the sensation as more like an egg cracking. First you hit it and it does a little damage to the shell. But, sometimes you have to hit it a few more times before the contents are completely free. The first crack in the egg came when I first read the aforementioned works. But, it has only been in the last few weeks that I’ve felt the entire structure around that programming is destroyed.
This has been a little bit of a painful process for me. I have begun remembering things about my childhood, especially early childhood to about 14-years old. What really broke this last bit open was two things that I can think of. One was that I visited my parents several weeks ago. I had been having trouble with plumbing at the house and dealing with the idiot plumbers really frazzled me. So, I went to my parents’ house for some rest and respite.
The other thing was that bit of research I posted about The Kinsey Report in the previous blogpost. There was, also, something about reading BevJo’s blog, which I discuss in the post before that one. There were some things I strongly agreed with in, at least, one article at that blog, then there were some things I took issue with (namely that female heterosexuality is a privileged condition). This is why I like to read material from people who have a different point of view – I learn. What I saw in most of that blog looked like mind control programming to me, but I had never recognized it as such before. So, I began to theorize after reading it that all female sexuality, including lesbian sexuality, is the product of mind control programming. The reason I say this is pretty much two-fold: (1) I could see the programming in the writing and, as I said in a previous post, it is always easier to recognize someone else’s programming than it is your own; and (2) the information in The Kinsey Report.
I could go on, at length, about lesbian friends of mine, their personal experiences, and why I believe sexuality in girls to be something other than natural and innate. But, those anecdotes don’t hold a candle to the hard evidence of the sexual grooming of girls that surrounds the work of Alfred Kinsey. It was Kinsey who implanted this idea in our culture, in our science, in our psychology, in our public schools, and in our media, that children have a sexuality. It is my belief that lesbianism in girls and women is a reaction to heterosexual grooming of girls. It is, at least, one way that girls and women react to it. In my opinion, it is better than heterosexuality, by far, however, I wonder how truly free a choice it really is. Of course, only the individual can answer that question for herself, but it is something to ponder.
It is from Kinsey’s work that we (in the modern U.S. and in other English-speaking countries) get the idea that sexual orientation is innate – about homosexuals, it is said that “they are born this way.” But, this is obviously a lie because sexuality of any kind is not something any child is born with. Furthermore, it corresponds with a lot of the propaganda about “lady brain” and “lady hormones,” which supposedly cause teen-aged girls to go wild for boys. These are lies – insidious lies, told to harm girls and to benefit males.
So, my egg really cracked when I began to remember some things from when I was very young. These memories were awakened, in part, by my visit to my parents.
My father was pretty abusive. He still can be, in fact, although he is a good father in other ways. He taught me a lot of things about money and finance. He taught me how to drive a stick-shift when I was 15. He taught me how to shoot when I was very young. He gave me a work ethic. He, also, gave me a lot of “fight” – a lot of rage, which has probably, ultimately, helped me to survive this many years.
But, I’ve, also, spent many years being very sad the way a lot of girls who are abused by their fathers do. I always thought it was my fault, somehow. I never knew what it was that I did wrong that made him hate me so much. But, the answer is a simple one, in fact, although it is a very painful one.
When I look back at my earliest memories, I do not remember having any sexuality. I was not sexually attracted to males. I never thought much about them, although, I was sexually assaulted by a boy with the assistance of another boy when I was 5. I was repeatedly kicked in the shins by another boy at age 5. This was allowed to go on, despite all the bruises. I was hounded for years by a particular boy, who I understand has spent a lot of his adult life in prison, who would sort of wave his crotch at me and make disgusting comments from the time we were both about 5. No one did anything to stop this, even though they knew it was happening.
I remember the first book that my mother used to read to me was Disney’s “Sleeping Beauty.” In retrospect, I think this was a bad choice. But, my mother would not have thought of any of this as programming. She was, herself, raped as an infant by a member of the family I never met. She was abused by brothers. She was physically abused, still bearing the scars on her back, by her father. She was confronted by pedophiles as a little child walking to and from school. So, she did not really have the resources to see the programming, to see the dangers.
My father worked a lot. I don’t remember much about him in my early years. He was gone a lot. He was either in the military or working at another job. I remember that I was always afraid of him. I never called him “Dad” or “Father” or anything like that. I still don’t. I don’t call him anything. I cannot bring myself to do it. I don’t remember why I was afraid of him except that he was a stranger to me and he was big and strong. I remember when he would pick me up that he hurt me – he always squeezed too hard, was always rough. So, I was much more attached to my mother.
I grew up in relative isolation. I did not see other children much at all until I was forced to enroll in school. It was there that I remember first being subjected to physical, sexual, and psychological abuse. It is for this reason that I am an advocate for closing down all public schools – they are only havens for for abusers and do the opposite of teaching, in my experience.
Since I grew up out in the country, I did not develop very good social skills. In fact, I would not develop them until I was in my twenties. Some of this, also, has to do with Mormonism.
To my knowledge my parents had never been very religious. I remember only a couple of occasions of dressing up and going to the local Catholic Church on Easter Sunday, but that was the extent of it. This changed when I was 11-years old. That’s when a neighbor sicced the Mormon Missionaries on us.
Somewhere along in there, I remember seeing my father more, but he went from being sort of absent to actively abusive. I don’t know why, except that I had turned 12 and had my first period. This was something he had to run to tell his mother. Between the two of them, they decided, apparently, that I was a whore.
Before I was a whore, I had been a straight-A student, top of the class, teacher’s pet, never been in trouble of any kind, and never really had the opportunity to be because, as I said, we lived in the country. I didn’t really get to socialize like a normal child/teen until I was 16-years old and able to drive. No opportunity to socialize means, by the logical flow of things, no real chance to go a whorin’. Nonetheless, this idea was fixed, apparently, in the mind of my father and, I believe, my grandmother, who liked to make up all kinds of stories about me supposedly being seen around the nearby town doing various whorish things by her friends.
The influence of this filthy religion, I believe, played a role in my father’s abuse, which only intensified. I recognized, too the language that he used as Mormon language. For instance, when he repeatedly called me “Satan.” Also, when he threatened me, “You will keep your chastity.” This word, chastity, makes me feel like vomiting – just typing it makes me sick. He threatened to ruin my face, to damage my face – I can’t remember his exact words – so that no man would ever look at me. After I was seen having a conversation with a boy once, I remember that he attacked me. I can’t remember where the attack began. I was only about 13 (and skinny as a scarecrow, despite him telling me how fat I was all the time), when he hit me in the face and said, “This is how men are going to treat you.” He kept hitting me in the face – and he’s a huge man, very muscular, so much so that he was feared by other men and well-known for getting into fist fights – and I tried to escape. I ran under his arms, at one point and ran for the stairs – 12 stairs, at the bottom of which was a concrete floor – and he hit me, again. My mother caught me somehow, but she was so afraid that he was going to knock me down the stairs, that things, after that, were not as physical.
Still, he found more ways to abuse and the psycho-sexual abuse became more intense. I was constantly accused of things, usually sexual things and sexual behaviors. This went on and on and has actually continued to this day – or, at least, up until my last visit at their house.
There were some other abuses, which I am leaving out because they are too horrible and painful to recall, let alone write and I’ve never said some of them out loud. But, this went on and on. I was about 24-years old before I decided to have sexual relations with a carefully selected male. It terrified me. I was afraid of sex and afraid of men. I was right to be afraid of them, of course, but at the time, I was trying to work through all of this horrific sex programming and work through the effects of this abuse. I consciously had sexual relations with this male for the purpose of deprogramming.
But, at least, in my personal story, in my personal memories, I do not recall having a sexuality. I do not recall having sexual urges for males or females, as it is claimed we are supposed to do as supposedly “hormonal” teenagers.
I remember being accused of these things often. I was accused by church members. I was ogled by old men in the church as a young girl of about 13 and this was regarded as normal – even when it was accompanied by inappropriate commentary to my mother.
I had a complete revulsion to males, especially white males, which was really all I knew. This was a very white community.
So, what has happened with these memories and my next level of breaking down the programming is that I have gone beyond forgiving myself. This is the first thing I did when I realized what had gone on – that I was not to blame for male violence against me or my reactions to it. I think it’s the first thing any of us must do because most all of us who have been victims of this thing have had a million fingers pointed at us. So, we forgive ourselves – no one else, because we are not obligated to forgive them, nor would it really be right, in my opinion. It would be a sin against ourselves to forgive such things.
I have gone beyond getting rid of every last male so-called friend I ever had. They’re all a bunch of parasites looking for a place to park their dicks. So, they don’t really deserve any kind of consideration.
Now, I have remembered what I was like when I was a little girl – when I was 3, 5, 9, 11, 12, 13, 14. I remembered that and when I did, I was able to see it all from another perspective.
But, what is horrible and scary about this realization is actually coming to the full understanding that I bear no blame. What is scary about that particular realization is that if we bear no blame, then we have no control over the situation.
The truth that I came to was this: At the point my father decided I was a whore, there was no way I could either fall or rise in his estimation of me. I always tried to please him, but that was impossible! I never knew why before, but then it hit me. I could have won the Nobel Prize or I could have robbed a bank – nothing would have changed their opinion of me one way or the other. To my father I am a whore and will always be a whore.
I have cried a lot the past few weeks. But, that was my final conclusion. My father is a pervert just like all other men are perverts. They perv on little girls. They perv on their daughters. They join in when other men do it. I remember one of the hired help (a particularly pervy old man) once saying to my father while I was within earshot, “You’ll have to beat the boys off with a stick.” I was probably about 12 or 13. The man was in his forties, at least. I was disgusted. But, my father seemed to take this type of commentary to heart. He never asked me – never once – what I thought. He never asked me. He always told me. He always accused me.
Even now, he accuses me. He knows I live alone, that I have nothing to do with men, that I’m afraid of men, that I’m afraid to leave my house, etc. Still, he accuses me. What the Hell?!
So, you see this is mental programming – it is my father’s programming. It is from religious programming and apparently from just being a sick male. I believe males do have a sexuality and their sexuality is to hurt us, to try to destroy us. Even my own father, I believe, tried to destroy me. He tried to drive me to suicide when I was about 13 or 14. But, I saw what he was doing. He has always hated me, deep down, even though he has not been a bad father in other ways – he has always hated me simply because I exist.
The horrible picture that emerges is the same as before. But, in going back further, I can see it even clearer than before. I see the grooming. I see the evil of males. I see the evil of their religious structure. I see their intergenerational abuse, intergenerational rape at work in my own family. My own mother being quite powerless – almost entirely powerless to stop him. She allowed him to abuse me because she really had no choice. We would have starved without him.
And, I learned to be an actress. I became the best actress in the world. I’m still that. I am a performer. I had to learn to do this to survive in my own home. And, this is still how I behave in the presence of men most of the time – I hate it. I hate being an actress, but I do it because I know how violent they can be for no reason. My father used to come home and either ignore me or abuse me – accusing me of something, sometimes sexual things that I didn’t even know what they were. So, I learned to act. I learned to become a piece of furniture.
I had another memory – a little bit later one, which I think illustrates what a lack of sexuality I have/had. I remember some guy asking me about my “sexual fantasy.” I had no concept of what he was talking about. I was probably anywhere from 17 to 19. I said, “I’d just like to be safe.” And, that’s what I remember feeling my whole life. I wanted to be safe because I wasn’t safe in my own home. Even now the sound of heavy footsteps terrifies me. I was an only child, but I used to play in the closet or under the bed to hide. I just wanted to disappear.
So, anybody who says that religion is good or moral is absolutely wrong. In fact, religion (especially Christianity here in the U.S.) is the reason for so much abuse of children, especially girls. It is the first and last reason for the abuse of women by men, whether they are related to us or not. The family, too, is an evil construct.
It is my opinion that women and their daughters would be far better off without males in their lives. I don’t believe that daughters, especially, need fathers and I think that fathers are more often than not extremely abusive to their daughters. They abuse little tiny baby girls because it is their nature to hate us. The family is not natural, but an artificial construct, designed for the benefit of male abusers.
A lot of things that appear natural are really artificial constructs. This is what I am learning by deprogramming.
In my memories, I came across some other odd things. They had to do with spirituality. I will share a couple of these because I think they are kind of interesting. I know not everybody is into this kind of thing, but I’m amazed at how many women have similar experiences to mine. It’s just something we don’t usually talk about because, again, we are conditioned not to. We are conditioned to ridicule it or to fear the ridicule of it.
When I was little I remember having a very large energy field. It was big and round. It was much larger than my physical body. I was talking to a friend some years ago about odd things and she told me that she remembered something similar as a little girl. She said, she remembers asking her mother, “Remember when I was big?” The energy field we both experienced felt “big.” I remember that, too.
I had another memory of being with my mother in the car. I must have been 5 or 6-years old and I remember telling her that I thought I was having a nightmare and I couldn’t wake up. I often thought that my life was just a nightmare and I would wake up and find out that I was safe somewhere. I remember seeing myself, looking into a pool of water down onto myself in my physical body.
I, also, remember a conversation with my mother when I was a little bit older asking her why I wasn’t able to hear what was in other people’s minds. She thought that was “silly.” It seemed like something I should be able to do. But, as it turns out, I am a mind reader. I actually can hear other people’s thoughts – word-for-word, what’s about to come out of their mouths. I can see “videos” of events at the fore of their minds, sometimes. I often know what is going to happen (I get a sort of a vision) before it happens, although I am rarely able to intervene to stop it when it’s something really bad.
I was feeling very sad last night and I saw “myself,” again. I have a physical body like everyone, but I am aware that I have another self. She’s gotten bigger. She’s is made of that same kind of white-grey light that I remember that big field I had around me was made of. It began to occur to me that maybe this is a place where our spirits grow, if they get the chance. Maybe this is why THEY want to kill us, why they want us to kill ourselves. They are darkness – I see them, too. I see them surrounded in the black hole of malice and hatred. I see THEIR selves and they are demonic. They look like demons or aliens you see in illustrations. And, I can’t help but wonder if this war they are waging on us, even as little girls has something to do with that. If we live, what do we become? Why do they fear us so much? If you saw this beautiful thing that I am, you’d know why we are something to be afraid of. I cannot believe how large it has grown since the last time I spoke with this aspect of myself.
This breaking down of mental programming is leading me beyond just the break down of religious, sexual, and social mind control programming. I think there is something beyond this dense physical world that is going on, something we can get in touch with, if we break enough of the patriarchal mind control programming.
But, enough with this metaphysical stuff for now. I will talk about this a little more when I make my commentary on Trust Your Perceptions’ excellent blog post series. If you are scientifically-minded, I think you will enjoy it. She does a fine job of cutting through the patriarchal nonsense of orthodox science and makes it more intellectually accessible to women. She places the words of male scientists in the context of our actual lived experiences. rather than the sick male fantasies they project onto us.
Thank you for reading. I really wrote this to get some things out of my head so I could move on, but I hope you find something of use in it. At the very least, check out the blogs and the book referenced above.
Additional note: Also, take a look at this post by Radical Witch: http://www.feministes-radicales.org/2013/08/13/4638/, which discusses how fathers build the foundation for sex abuse by terrorizing their daughters in infancy. This is child sex grooming, which is generally regarded as normal and healthy by society, especially when it occurs in the context of the nuclear family. Again, there is nothing natural about this. It is entirely artificial.