Breaking Free of Doublebinds to Talk Frankly About My Experiences

A double bind is situation in which a person is prevented from expressing herself because she is receiving two conflicting messages about what she is allowed to say.  Doublebinds are a method of controlling and limiting a person’s speech. It is tool of domination that is sometimes subtle and sometimes very obvious. A double bind is a “catch 22” a situation in which you are “damned if you do and damned if you don’t.” No matter what you do, you will be criticized and penalized.

As women, we are familiar with double binds, for example:

Women who work are taking jobs away from men; but women who don’t work are mooching off men, are “welfare queens,” and parasites.

Women who have sex with men are whores and sluts; women who don’t are frigid, tight-ass bitches or hairy lezbos.

Assertive women are bitches; unassertive women are submissive doormats.

Another big double bind, we as white women and other non-black women face is this one: If we talk about our own experiences as women, we are accused of not recognizing the oppression of black women; but when we make extra efforts to include black women, then we are accused of “appropriation.” Much like the tranny man thing, this is something I have walked on eggshells about before. I was cautious with the tranny men because I didn’t really understand what they were all about until recently. I didn’t understand their motives. And, it is much the same thing here. I have been cautious because saying the “wrong thing” (which could be anything at all) in the presence of black women or men can cause a lot of trouble for white women – even when we’re trying to be very respectful and careful with our words. But, now I see through this web of emotional blackmail and subtle threats.

The double bind is, also, sometimes a double standard in which certain people are allowed to do or say certain things and that’s okay – even praised, but when another group of people do or say the same things, they are denigrated. As feminists we face many double standards in relation to men. As white feminist women we, also, face double standards from other women, in which these women are permitted to talk about their experiences, but when we talk about ours we are accused of being “exclusionary.”

All women should have the opportunity to tell the story of whatever has happened to us, especially when we are doing it in our own space and we are sharing our stories to help other women. We should be free to tell the truth without criticism.This is how we piece a lot of things together, as women, because the patriarchal structure often makes it very difficult for us to talk to each other about our experiences. The men who want to continue dominating us don’t want us speaking freely to each other and learning from each other.

The fact that we, as white women, cannot speak freely about certain things – even to other women, in light of some recent information I’ve run across, is not a coincidence. I believe we are intentionally being silenced, again, by the pro-prostitution, pro-porn, pro-human trafficking political crowd. So, this is not about the hurt feelings of certain women so much as is it is about these women cooperating with pimps, johns, pornographers, traffickers and other people who hate and wish to degrade and exploit innocent women and children. I’m not going to let them do it – at least, I’m not going to let them do it to me, anymore.

As a woman – and a white woman – I am sick and tired of being scapegoated for the failures of men and boys. I’m, also, not going to be blamed for the failures of black women who, heeding not the lessons handed down to us by our foremothers, have decided they would rather give their energy to further the cause of the black man than allow the voices of other women to be heard.

White women are not oppressing black women. We certainly are not oppressing black men. The black man is as misogynist and inclined to commit violence against women as any other men and last time I checked white women are included among “women.”

Now that I have come to understand that the silencing of white feminists by black women is not about their hurt feelings, but rather about a political movement or political ideology that wants me dead, I don’t see any need to hold back. I have stories which I would not have dared talk about before for fear of unnecessarily alienating black women, but whenever I feel like it, from now on, I am going to talk about it because it is another aspect of how women, in this case those with a certain appearance, are targeted by men. That’s exactly what we feminists need to be talking with other women. It is important.

So, when the urge hits me, I’m going to talk about some things that have happened to me that relate to how certain women, white women who fit certain physical criteria, mostly blonde-haired and light-haired, light-skinned women, are specifically targeted for pornography and overseas human trafficking, sought out and even set up by adult entertainment agencies (big ones!), that provide feature dancers for night clubs in the U.S. I’m talking about it because it is my personal experience and, fortunately, other women warned me about some of these things. I want to talk about the details of that and some other things that are hard to talk about – when I’m ready.

There are other things, too, that I’d like to talk about because I don’t see why certain women should feel isolated in their experiences and told, when we do dare to talk about these things, that the abuse and oppression we have suffered is “white privilege.” It is not. It is not a special privilege to be the favorite flavor of dead meat for cannibalistic men who consume the flesh and blood of women.

I urge everyone concerned with the topic to take a good hard look at the feminists at the foundation of the #BlackLivesMatter movement. Recognize that the Democratic National Party (the party of the liberals and the liberal feminists in the U.S.) has given this group their stamp of approval. Understand that the attempts by black feminists to guilt trip and scapegoat other women is politically motivated and these women are working side by side with men – and all men are one in their thirst for power over women and other men.

We’ve been told: “White feminists, shut the fuck up” and listen to black women’s experiences.

I think we should listen to all women’s experiences, but we white women must not be silenced, especially when we are being targeted from every direction. Our voices are important. Our stories are important. A lot of us have been through unspeakable torture at the hands of men and when we feel we can or we desire to talk about it, we should be allowed to do that without abuse, especially from other women who claim to be feminists. It’s simply not acceptable.

This is unacceptable: